This is a right bloody nightmare, thought The Knight as he slashed through the throat of the man charging him. He’d travelled for days to submit his manuscript to the castle’s essay competition, so it was just his luck to turn up right as all these godforsaken siege-artists were in the way. They really ought to have scheduled things better; didn’t they know it was the arts festival this week? He plunged his sword downwards and twisted it into the belly of a tripped foe. Really, all this siege business was a lost cause anyway. Surely, they knew they were at a disadvan… (he ducked underneath a glaive) disadvantage trying to siege a port city? It was horrible planning. And now the poor bastards were dying to his blade; what a waste. His horse buckled in fear and he took the opportunity to kick an unsuspecting opponent in the back of the head.
The Knight’s teeth rattled in his skull as the shock of a boulder smashing into the earth rang through him. Fucks sake, really? They’d gotten the artillery out? He’d messaged ahead, even spent a pretty penny on the fastest pigeon in the coop, to alert the guild masters of his impending presence. He couldn’t understand why they would risk firing up the trebuchets knowing he could be out here. What if one of those boulders hit him, what then? A great bloody hole in the history of literature, that’s what. Bloody military men and their bloody egos. He decapitated a young boy wielding a pike. He shook his head. Shame; you hate to see a future reader die. Publishing is a cut-throat business.
Heavens above; were those flaming arrows? He jumped off his steed and ducked behind it. He heard some wet thuds, then a pained neigh. Close call. Well, close for him at least. He slit his companion’s throat. The poor beast was no use now, so he might as well put it out of its misery. Oh bugger, there’s a thought, had it bled… oh of course. The manuscript was soaked in blood. Could this day get any worse? He thanked God he knew a wizard in town, then thanked God again for blessing him with the wit to save the day once more. He truly was an incredible Knight.
He made a note to thank his page, if he ever found the sod, for a job well done. His greaves were perfectly oiled, so The Knight was having no problem stepping over piles of emaciated bodies. He hadn’t seen his page all battle, now he came to think of it, but then again, he could hardly be blamed for not paying attention. There were more important things to worry about than some peasant boy. Besides, the kid had sworn off his family to have a shot at the good life, so who would miss him?
There was a ladder up against the wall; what luck! All he had to do was climb it and get this whole bloody ordeal over with. Then he could get to the altogether more important business of starting up the printing presses. Halfway up the ladder he looked behind him; God you could see the whole battlefield from here! Was that how far it went?
The Knight saw two men behind the parapets. “Hullo gents! Just on my way to deliver this manuscript!” Clearly these members of the gentry had no taste; what hero’s welcome could you find staring down the barrel of a crossbow? The Knight pushed them off the wall. Sorry chaps, but you’ve found yourself on the wrong side of the literary canon. He held the manuscript above his head and proclaimed “I’ve got it! It’s here! I’m here to submit…”, but before he could finish, he was rudely interrupted by an arrow to the throat.
Days after the siege was won, a young boy was moving corpses from wall to cart when he came across a ridiculous looking Knight clutching a wad of blood-soaked parchment to his chest. He began to wonder where this Knight had gotten so many feathers from, and why the tips were black. Before he got too creative, though, he shook his head and remembered what happened to young boys with an imagination around these parts. To put things right, he stole the manuscript from the well-dressed corpse and took it home. He used the parchment paper as kindling to light the fire and tend to a big cauldron. Tonight, he’d have pottage for dinner and, for the first time in months, meat was on the menu.